Surviving Chinese New Year

1. Try not to protest wildly against the superstitions and/or rules that come along with CNY.
   Like, it will be great if you wear red actually. Or something vaguely reminiscent of however ‘prosperous’ is supposed to look like as a color. If you are insistent on wearing black, grey or other dull colors…I guess you could anticipate a tongue lashing from your mom. Or aunts. Or any older female lurking round actually. But how does red underwear sound to you? You can wear red underwear, underneath those black layers. You can be like, “But black is chic. I am traditional at heart. Don’t need to wear it on the outside when I have it within.” And then you promptly flash your relatives a peek of that red, right above your left butt cheek. That ought to shut them up.
2. Mental preparation.
   You know, against the imminent onslaught of the annual interrogation. Got girl/boyfriend already not? When’s your turn to get married? You gain weight is it? Working already not? Must remember to pay back your parents’ investment in you ok… You and I, we both know there’s no running from these questions. Your best bet? Preparing a vague list of feeble answers. In the event of you completely blanking out…well…good luck bruh. Embrace the awkwardness, stop blushing like a little child and promptly stuff your face with bak kwa. We’re all in this together~ (High School Musical pun not intended).
3. Remember to smile while rattling off your Chinese well-wishes.
   For the good kids who actually take Chinese New Year traditions extremely seriously, yeah it’s all about respect! For the older people. And you know, basic politeness. Stuff like that. For the rest of us, just grit your teeth, try not to trip over the Chinese narration you’ve memorized by heart and used year after year (who needs originality for this?), and remember that you get that crisp red packet in return. It’s a win-win situation. So stop sulking. You can b*tch about that creepy uncle on Twitter if you want. Channel negative energies into social media. That’s why they invented it in the first place.
4. Situate yourself within arm’s length of the New Year goodies.
   Cross my heart, you will be in full appreciation of this strategic placement. (Unless you’re on a strict diet plan you poor, poor thing) This is how your game plan should be like: Spot that relative you really don’t want to make senseless small talk with? Open that container of pineapple tarts. Feeling a little blue from overhearing your aunts boast about the achievements of their kids? Stuff that prawn cracker into your mouth. And as it was with point number 1, keep the bak kwa close. Territorial rights. People are more likely to leave you alone if you have oily hands, a mouth full of sweet, dehydrated pork and a hunger in your eyes for something they can’t quite place. You can also slump your shoulders to look slightly more depressed. Like you have that fat-kid-loves-cake look on your face. Nobody pokes fun at people who look like they’ve got issues.
5. Wear stretchable pants.
   Or something elastic-based. This needs no explanation. Oh, and remember not to weigh yourself for the next two weeks.
6. Keep a straight face when visiting finally ends.
   Keep your hands off your stash of ang paos. Wipe that smirk off your face as you’re wearing your shoes and getting ready to sprint out of that place in mock euphoria. Thank your hosts profusely, wave goodbye to all the relatives you see on an annual affair, and stop bouncing on your toes as you walk away from the gates. Wait until you’re in the privacy of your own home to tear through those red packets. Godspeed. You can even gather all those mint notes and fling them in the air screaming, “F*CK YEAH MONEYYYYYYYY!!!!”. Very cool. Very Donald Trump. I approve.

Image Credit: Prisqua