I was inspired to write after a 3-hour conversation I had with my best friend over drinks outside of Home Club last week, followed by another 2-hour conversation at Clementi Mall in the same week. Both times it was past 2am and I figured things need to be put in perspective.
Everyone has had one (or more for you imaginary non-monogamous people) of those relationships that has never materialised in the real world, but conceptualised in great detail only in your mind. It’s almost like a crush, but one that you don’t act on. So in turn, you start to think of how perfect it would be if you were together with him/her. Thing is, some people don’t know how dangerous it can get.
It may be someone who you’ve never interacted with in your life before, or someone you see now and then, or someone whom you are actually friends with (and by friends, I meant the kind that you can hang out with at Spinelli’s on a Saturday, talking about the Cranberries’ concert that you went to that your friend didn’t go to and making him/her feel like crap for missing out but at the same time know that he/she won’t take it to heart), or worse, someone you know whom you absolutely cannot be with for many reasons. Such reasons may include him/her being a friend’s ex, someone who has clearly no interest in you, or someone who has explicitly rejected you in your face.
Either way, you sort of know the basics of the person through mutual friends, or by stalking his/her Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Blogs, LiveJournals and what-have-you. You know enough to be physically attracted to that person. Right at the beginning, you start to picture yourself attached to person X. Seeing how everything is made up in your own head, you start to omit personality traits you don’t like in X, and add efficacious characteristics to make X look even more perfect, only to allow yourself to fall even deeper in like with X. The phrase “too good to be true” doesn’t exist in your cerebral cortex.
Then, you start floating away from reality. You start to think of all the possible firsts and how all of them would be.
Your first date – both of you are dressed to the nines to have dinner at Privé. You have a lot of laughs and learn (or rather you make everything about X up) that you listen to the same kind of Shoegaze music that you absolutely love to get high to.
Your first kiss – on the fifth date while you’re having the perfect picnic at Botanic Gardens at a not-so-remote spot near the amphitheatre under the stars that are scattered across the clear skies with a bright full moon, you decide that X tenderly caresses your flawless face before laying his luscious lips on yours. And right at that instant, your iPad plays the chorus of Travis’ “Closer”. The words “Just need to get closer, closer, lean on me now, lean on me now,” resound in your head. And suddenly, that becomes your song.
Your wedding – it’s on 20th December 2012 (20122012); an ideal date that you want to get married and begin the rest of your life with X. You begin micro-managing the tiniest of details; from the table arrangements for family to the brand of champagne that will be served.
You make up your own intensity and length of your relationship with X. You might even go further as to think about how big you want the family to be and the names of your kids, grand kids, and great-grand kids.
Now here comes the dangerous part.
While it is perfectly normal and socially accepted in most cases (well, usually you won’t tell anyone about your imaginary relationship, unless you deliberately described it on your blog or tweet it), some people might go overboard and begin to confuse fiction from reality. One thing you should always keep in mind is that X has never thought of you in the same light you portray him/her to be in your mind. If you’re happy in your little perfect world where you and X are the most indefectible couple of the century where millions will look up to you, then stay there.
Do not, I repeat, do not, endeavour into wooing X with whatever you have thought of him/her to be in your head. If you’re going to venture with expectations you have set for X, you better expect a whole lot of disappointment dropping on you like an anvil dropping on a 90′s cartoon character. It doesn’t matter how intense your feelings for X may have been or how genuine you felt despite your idea of X, it is just, not real.
So to smack you back to reality, stop being so damn delusional.
You better have the number of a good shrink at the end of the entire ordeal. That, or a whole cupboard full of alcohol. You’ll probably need them to escape schizophrenia, hysteria, depression, borderline personality disorder and many other psychological-related disorders.
You have been warned.
Image credits: http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-cant-love/
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Idealism. Remember we actually despise (is this too strong of a word?) people who are too idealistic and sets their standards on us in a r’ship? If we can imagine our dream life with X (whoever this may be), why don’t we find it sweet that Y (assumed partner) has a dream with us included? The suffocation of living up expectations? Could we only breathe freely in our own minds?
Jang jang jang! We need another 3 hours.
That’s true. Yah we were talking about how we feel suffocated with expectations from X, it it would be ideal if Y would be how we imagined him/her to be. But the only thing is ah, we cannot go into the relationship with those expectations which X might have on us. Must balance mah, tit for tat.
Jeng jeng jeng we can do that on Friday!
hey,
just finished reading your article and I’ve got a test in five minutes. see, how i take into account of the fact that I’d rather read your article and not my revision notes? I’m awesome right?
anyways, from what I’ve gathered, you’re right about the whole “being delusional” part. i think its quite common. well, for those dreamers. (like myself and plenty others~) having experienced the taste of the bittersweet part of the relationship (ever so fucked up) with someone whom i loved and cared for too dearly, and then all of a suddenly, he left me and cut all ties from me. (little stupid prick)
we were the best of friends, heading out to supper at 11 pm and only coming back home at 4 in the morning. sitting in the car smoking and eating junk. talking about anything while blasting music from late night radio. this lasted for over 6 months plus until i decided to say ” i love you man” and that was when everything went downhill. he’d treat me coldly and will not replay to messages. let alone, whenever i called, he’d just either ignore or reject my calls.
then came the day he was about to leave for the UK and he called me up (which was like, 2 months after his silent treatment) and said that we had a blast and that he loved me as much as he loved his sister.
now, here’s the good part; of all the ideas that that little prick got was that i was madly in love with him. of all things. i meant it as a “you’re my best friend man” kinda way but i think he read it wrongly (perhaps maybe due to the fact that i am girl) this experience has sure made me sour about the whole relationship thing but then again, what is life without a little imagination right? perhaps, somewhere in my little head, I dreamed about holding his hand once. (but i guess it was a mistake)
but you know, the more i thought about, the more i realized that i was usually the one that initiated the suppers and hanging out and he’d just go along with it. so i guess i am to be blamed partially? eh, i still feel pretty fucked up by sodding twat’s actions.
Kalau handsome take per, tapi perasaan handsome pulak. >.>
We always indulge in anything pleasurable over work/school. But thanks for the support nonetheless :>
I guess like I said, it’s important to be clear in what your stand is rather than allowing it to be vague and all. Miscommunication – always is the case and the bane of all our existence. We have our own lines and definitions on certain things and not everyone’s the same.
An entertaining read!
I love the, ” now comes the dangerous part..” parts.
Nice
HAHA. i cant believe i’m actually reading your article while i’m at work. interesting read, thankfully i dont fall in the category. Most prolly, i’ll pay more attention to your articles!
Cheers!
I was reading your article in the midst of my moving. And while the movers are moving them carton boxes full of my everything, I can’t help but see some resemblance in what’s happening to my house and your article.
I was laughing while reading your article, not because I find it as a joke, but more like I can totally relate to your article in a lot of ways.
I am a firm believer in having hopes, faith, love and relationship. Prolly why I’m a sucker in rs? A hopeless one.
For people like me, I suppose that only the ones who has hopes and faith in a rs would take us?
But in anyways, I still wanna say that if a rs has no hopes, faith and expectations, wouldnt we be all still standing at the same spot where we started of as a teenager in our teenage years; still unsure, still innocent and still not improving ourselves to become a better person (for ourselves and for our future partners?)
We create our own fantasy in our heads, but it’s up to you and the ones that wants to build a life with you to make this fantasy into a reality? it may not be entirely similar, but at least we all know that we’re becoming better, for ourselves and for the ones that we care so much for. (note : not for the newly got together or the ones that don’t look for a long term)
All on all, what I wanna say is this is a great article for hopeless romantics who’re starting off in a whole new rs/ dating life, because if I were to read this article years ago, I wouldn’t saved alot of trouble and money, In clubs. Lol
Ehhren.
It’s okay to make fantasies into realities, but it’s important to be level-headed to know that the outcome would not be up to par with your desires. Maybe you’re a hopeless romantic who wants nothing but the best for each other, but that’s you, and not your partner. Maybe. But if the both of you are on the same level, well, you’ve hit the jackpot.
It comes with experience too. If I had thought of this way back, yes it would’ve saved all the trouble and heart aches.
Adam, i read it, and i get it!
Yea ive had one of those thoughts too, and maybe went too overboard with it, oops!
“Now I remember why I was never romantically attracted to your kind. & now I hurt at the way I was convinced to let one of you in, to suffer for all the ideals you lacked of, of how I wanted to change you, of how you are just as fucked up as I thought.
I feel sorry the shoes you had to fill was too big. I wish I could let this dream go.”
Oh dear, aftermath of trying to make a dream relationship to reality. I wrote this a month ago.
Oh how I wish I had the epiphany years ago.
Wow this article is so timely! Once i got to the part of the “Closer” song I literally laughed out loud, and was beginning to think that this was something that i had imagined! Great Article!
I’ve been doing this for awhile until a couple days ago when i was faced with the stone cold reality that it was indeed not reciprocal, and in reality it wasn’t going to work out. I had placed this guy on a make-shift pedestal, made a checklist in my head of how we were meant to be lmao! Making excuses and explaining his actions by saying that he’s just trying to make me jealous, etc. i think after all this, i seriously believe that the less often you see the person the better off you are, but then again the more crazier and intense the imagination, so i guess that’s a double-edged sword. *sigh* now’s the time to lick my wounds and move on… Anyway once again thanks for the article because it has definitely put things into perspective.
The whole, “Out of sight, out of mind” saying has a whole new meaning doesn’t it?
The stalking on social media(now more readily available than ever), Prive and ‘your song’ occurs to almost everyone that it’s so true. Except the last two are the only ones that are playing in your head like how ‘I Want It That Way’ when it was released in ’99.
You might call it dangerous but I feel that it is quite healthy to indulge, if I can use the term, in such whimsical thoughts. In fact it makes you only human and normal, no?
I say so because the other extremes would make one nonhuman. If a person has never enjoyed habouring the could-have-been perfect dates in exquisite restaurants, the possible fireworks in bed, the holding hands along long beaches then that would mean that person is certainly not wired like a human(even animals are attracted to each other), which makes him/her weird. And oh, he/she is missing out on the dreamy, steamy moments that make the heart flutter! On the other hand, if the only thing that is on repeat all day (and night) in the person’s mind is the things that are never gonna happen, well that’s what shrinks are here for!
I would say imaginary relationships in moderation is harmless, in fact healthy for the soul. Fantasize about him/her in your private moments, joke about the person out loud with your friends, laugh at yourself for being silly. Life’s too short to torture your soul endlessly daily.
Yes it is healthy, but that’s only if you can strike a balance and not be lured away into the realm of fantasy.