On Solitude in New York City

by Jean Hui Ng

You said yes. I said yes, let’s go to New York.

I woke. It was morning. You were asleep. I made breakfast and left it in the fridge. I left a note. I stepped out. I popped a mint. I breathed the fresh air. I looked left, then right. I didn’t know. I kept the map in my hand. I was afraid of being seen as a tourist. I was afraid of being seen as foreign. I was afraid of being seen as unfamiliar. I was afraid of being seen as different. I turned left.

I walked the streets. It was early. There were few people. I gave my change to a man on the street. He held a sign ‘Out of job with 4 to feed’. I took photos of graffiti. I walked further. I saw a donation drive. It said ‘Free Palestine’. I regretted giving my change to the man. I regretted regretting. I felt like a lousy person. I donated 5 dollars.

I photographed people. I ate a pretzel. I called back to the apartment. You were still asleep.

I didn’t recognize where I was. I wanted an adventure. I threw my map into the bin. The subway station was just ahead. I went underground.

I stood on the platform. I loved the way New Yorkers dress. I saw an interracial family. I smiled. Then, I felt a dull ache. I miss my family. I remembered the last time I was abroad. They were together with me. I thought, They are still with me.

The train came. I boarded.

I saw ‘Wall Street’. I alighted. It was breathtaking. I walked around. I missed tall buildings. I avoided puffs of smoke. It was challenging. I wondered why so many people smoke. I thought of the anti-smoking advertisements. I thought of cancer. I thought of my friends who smoked. Do not be judgmental. I told myself, I can’t not care. To each his own. I told myself, if everyone loved everyone enough to keep each other in check, maybe the world would be a better place. Then, I paused. What is love? I was angry with me. I was selfish. I was disappointed. I hated that side of me.

Brooklyn bridge. I thanked the Gods for the weather. I helped a woman take a photo. She spoke in a beautiful British accent. She thanked me. I smiled. I stood on the ledge. I looked across the shores. I tasted the ocean. I looked across the vast horizon. I felt small.

I took photographs. I felt contented. I was thankful, that I was standing where I stood.

I boarded the train. Just beside me, a man was reading Monocle. I told him, that is my favorite magazine. He smiled. We spoke about Tyler Bruleé.

I like speaking to adults.

I alighted at Grand Central Terminal. It reminded me of Good Night and Good Luck. I thought, That was a good show.

I saw reuniting families. I may not know what love is. But I know this is love.

Jean Hui Ng. Lifestyle Writer. Metathesiophobic and a chronic case of wanderlust. She hopes that one day she will wake to find herself in Sofia Coppola’s body. Good food, good company and good art make her happy.