I hate you. I hate your f*cking guts to no end. In all honesty, I wish you’d cross the road when there’s a zebra crossing 50 steps from you and then get knocked down by a truck because of your laziness, arrogance, and complacency that there won’t be any vehicles on the road at four in the morning. Every time I hear your name, I cringe and wished your existence had ended tragically. Heck, I wish your entire family died, leaving you to suffer to live with the fact that yes, you’re alone and sad.
No, I’m not trying to vent my frustrations or spread the hate of someone here. I’m just trying to say that somewhere along the way, we’ve had this kind of horrible thoughts for someone we hate. No matter how much the person tries to make up for it, it just doesn’t cut it. Or worse still, if the feeling is mutual. I’ve had my share of wanting to take matters into my own hands and killing someone, but what’s the point?
For someone as fun-loving as me who takes each friendship as a piece of valuable gem, I do not hate easily. Dislike, yes.. but hate? That happens on the rarest of occasions. In fact, my “hate list” is so short you’d actually think, “That’s it?” Hate is too strong a word, just like its antonym, love. These are two words that do not come out of my mouth very often. You’d rarely find me saying the three words that could possibly ruin a beautiful arrangement of a relationship. “I love you” could either set the relationship off to another level, or break it. Your partner might think, “Hey, you’re going way too fast and I’m still in the ~like~ zone. What’s wrong with you!?”
To me, saying “I love/hate you” is a proclamation similar to coming out and saying “I am gay”. You need to be sure because it’s like getting a tattoo on your face where everybody can see it. It has to have some depth before you even say it. Okay fine, I might be wrong. Love and hate is pretty subjective and depends on the individual’s capacity of emotions and experience. Just know that when I say it, I f*cking mean it. Not that you don’t, but hey, I’m writing this and not you.
For whatever reason that you hate someone, it will probably stay for years to come, and you may never be able to forgive him/her. That’s what I thought as well.. until the night I was inebriated in a night club and came face-to-face on the dance floor with the person I almost smashed into pieces last year at a house party. He was so close to me, I could smell him as he said hello to our mutual friend.
At that instant, I had to make a split-second decision – fight or flight? I could either confront him, bash him up, walk away to avoid the situation altogether or just feign ignorance to his presence. The thought process was going at lighting speed, and the one thing that struck me was this – So what was it that made me hate on him all this time? What was the point of bearing a grudge with no rhyme or reason? So I did the unthinkable by my standards, grabbed his arm and looked him in his eyes.
“Can we go outside and talk?”
Contrary to popular belief, I am not a fan of drama. I try to stay away from it because I have enough inner demons to fight as it is. I don’t need other people to deal with. As we walked out into the humidity of Singapore after rubbing against tons of sweaty intoxicated bodies in the club, I thought long and hard about whether this was going to turn ugly. I thought about the reason, and the relevance of this silly hatred.
Actually it was quite funny how the both of us managed to be civil and coherent with our words despite all the binge drinking just a few hours before. There was no slurring and no nonsense, just concise sentences strung together laced with brutal honesty. The air was cleared, and we rehashed our friendship on a clean slate. And boy, did that feel good. It was like a piece of dead weight taken off my shoulders.. almost like kicking off a pair of formal covered shoes or four inch stilettos at the end of a long day at work. Okay fine, almost orgasmic.
Thing is, on the way home in the cab, the entire process of forgiving and forgetting, and moving on to greener pastures, I found myself so silly for even having the capacity for so much hate. I mean, there’s really way too much hatred in this world; what with racism, terrorism and discrimination. Although it’s hard to put your ego and pride down and confront the person you really hate and ask him/her in the face, the ordeal could go two ways.
“So what’s your problem with me? But before you begin, let me finish and give you the 4-1-1 on why I wanted to rip your guts out.”
You can either walk away at the end with the agreement to disagree.. still hating, but a little less. Maybe down to a level of dislike because at least now there’s an understanding that there can be no understanding.. or you could walk away with a beautiful restart to a friendship that was severed by whatever petty reasons. Your pride and ego isn’t everything in the world. Sometimes, you need to realise that this, whatever this could be, is really bigger than yourself. And at the end of it all, you will come to a consensus and have a clearer picture of why s/he did what s/he did or say that you disapproved of, which in turn made you hate him/her in the first place.
Hatred is usually the cause of not understanding something and/or ignorance. We all fear things we do not understand. And in the words of a wise green sci-fi character from one of the six-part legacy by George Lucas, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”